Its coming up to that time of year again, the cold nip in the air, the falling leaves, the hot mist that comes from your breath in the morning, the darker nights and the chill to the quiet nights. For me all these feelings rise up like bile bringing with it the most painful memories that lead up to loosing my mum to that bastard cancer. I was 22 years old and Grief would become a firm fixture in my life still to this very day 19 years later.
The thing with grief is, that it steals many things from you, it takes part of you, your happy, your carefree, your love, your future and Im sure it steals your mind sometimes too. It consumes your being, and your nights become long, and weepy. I have read a lot about grief, ( oh and it becomes an obsession too)and in particular the gurus that say; “feel it, let it go, let yourself be healed!” like its that easy. There’s so much talk actually about healing but no description of what healed looks like. There’s no talk about what grief looks like 10, 20, 30 years and tears on. I will tell you what grief looks like, and all are perfectly normal, some days your stomach and chest hurt from the heavy weight of missing them, some days you can laugh at all the silly fun things you all shared together, some days Im a snappy little gobshite and all I want is a hug from my mum. Some days its having some fun family moments and for that moment actually forgetting breifly then feeling terrible you forgot, sometimes its crying deeply, snot drivelling mess, and sobs that sound unearthly.
Is that healed? I dont know, what does the illusive healed look like? I know that Im still here 19 years later, with children, jobs and husband, winging life and giving my children my all. Ive had successes and Ive had moments Ive been on the floor, is that healed? Ive thrived, Ive failed, Ive laughed, Ive cried, Ive shared sunrises and sunsets , smelt fresh coffee and felt so lucky Im alive. But Grief, it does steal so many things for sure, it steals your nerves, it makes you realise how fragile life is, sometimes to fragile, it leaves you trying to tread on a type rope between over anxiousness to carefree and feckless, its a difficult balance. It makes you feel vulnerable to needing to feel loved and good at stuff, because the person that gave you that unconditional love is no longer there.
So when someone says, let it go, have you healed?!, or, you need to grieve, tell them that you are just living with it best you can, that despite grief you are giving life your best, that trying is enough, you are enough, but most importantly be kind to yourself and remember to love, because we all need that for sure.
Miss you mum xx